unjustifiable | 𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚁𝙵𝙻𝙾𝚆

[ It's a relief, however small, to know that James not only feels good but also feels no regrets. At least, he doesn't yet. How he'll feel once the haze of sex wears off is another matter. As for Igarak himself...

He doesn't know. He is... conflicted, sated in a way that he hasn't been in a very long time. That alone feels shameful, as does the comfort he takes in James' hand upon his.

His thumb strokes the skin around the wounds again. How can he feel so satisfied? What right does he have to crave comfort when he's the one who caused such harm?

His gaze remains downcast, unable to meet James'. ]

I'm glad.

[ The skin around his wounds is sensitive, but Igarak's touch is light and careful enough to not cause him any discomfort. James revels in the tender care just as he reveled in the pain. Maybe the two aren't really so different. Igarak is a paladin, after all; healing and hurting are both his domain. ]

Me too.

[ Igarak won't meet his eyes. James knows that look; gods only know he's worn it himself often enough to recognize it. ]

Hey.

[ With a level of confidence that surprises him, he guides Igarak's hand to his left pectoral and presses it over his heart, wincing slightly when the other man's fingers brush against torn skin. ]

You can feel that, can't you? You haven't killed me. You haven't done anything that I didn't ask you to do. When I had enough, you stopped. The person you used to be wouldn't have been capable of that.

[ Something in Igarak's chest tightens painfully. He often tries to keep mastery over himself and his reactions, but there are times, like now, when his defenses are down and he lacks the strength to rebuild them. When he finally looks at James, his eyes betray his fear.. but also the surprise and gratitude for the thoughtfulness of the man's words.

A small, unguarded smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. ]

Thank you.

[ His gaze falls back to the wounds. They're far angrier and certainly more painful than the marks he left on James' arm. He quietly clears his throat. ]

Unfortunately, I can't let you keep these.

[ James has never been any good at consoling the people he cares for. After it became clear that Mary was never going to get better, he still tried to maintain the fiction that there was hope, but all of his words of comfort rang false, like memorized lines that he recited without much spirit or conviction. Eventually, he got tired of lying and dropped the pretense entirely. She could always see right through him, anyway.

He's terrified of making the same mistakes with Igarak, so he's delighted to find that his clumsy reassurances seem to cheer the man up. Even better, James actually meant the words this time. Maybe that's the key. He smiles back, feeling almost giddy. If he embarrasses himself, he can always blame it on the blood loss. ]

It's nothing. Just the truth, that's all.

[ He knows that Igarak is in the right about the wounds. Even discounting their tendency to get fester, bite wounds are more difficult to explain away than the scratches on his arm. ]

I knew that was coming. If it makes you feel any better, they look a lot worse than they feel.

[ But they still feel pretty damn uncomfortable. And besides, he can't deny that some shameful, selfish part of him relishes in being fussed over. There's a certain intimacy in the patient's submission to the healer, whose tools and methods so often overlap with those of the torturer. It seems fitting that Igarak should play both roles. James glances down at the wounds, only slightly reluctant to part with them. ]

It seems a shame to undo your own handiwork. But you're right. They have to go.

[ It does seem a shame, he thinks, still caught in the lingering haze. An indulgent thought follows on its heels, that perhaps next time he should mark some place less conspicuous, somewhere that could be easily hidden.

Sense snaps back to him a moment later, carrying with it a fresh wave of guilt.

He shouldn't leave marks at all. And there shouldn't be a next time.

He doesn't heal James right away, as he knows he should. Instead, he pulls away, though not enough to put distance between them. He remains beside him, leaning into him, as he comes back to himself. His gaze drifts sidelong, drawn again to the wounds. ]

Does it feel good? [ His voice is quiet and uncertain, almost reluctant. ] Right now, I mean.

[ Self-centered in his insecurity, James takes Igarak's sudden withdrawal as a sign of reproach. He frowns, mentally replaying their conversation in an attempt to pinpoint what he said or did wrong, but nothing stands out among his jumbled recollections.

Igarak's question disrupts what might have been the beginning of one of James' (by now routine) guilt spirals. He doesn't answer right away. Instead, he tries to focus on his body, on sensation: the tolerable but constant ache of the wounds, the stickiness of the drying blood on his chest, the warmth of Igarak's body where they touch. As he does so, his lingering anxiety recedes. He thinks he has his answer. ]

It hurts, obviously. But it's not the bad kind of pain, if that makes any sense at all. It feels... grounding. Like something I needed for a while, even though I didn't know it until now.

[ He pauses, then glances shyly at Igarak's face. ]

It makes me feel closer to you, somehow. Like you've claimed me.

[ Claimed me? Really? He winces. ] Gods, just listen to me. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought.

Edited 2025-12-27 18:53 (UTC)

[ Like you've claimed me.

Blood immediately rushes to Igarak's head, causing the room to blur for a dizzying moment. He swallows hard. He looks at the wounds again, mouth beginning to water before he manages to tear his gaze away.

He feels it, too, that sense of possession. He'd felt it the night before, when James said he wanted to keep the wounds on his arm. But he can't say it. Can he? ]

I know what you mean. About the pain.

[ No. He can't. He mustn't. Wanting what James wants is not the same as wanting what he wants. James is not the monster in this scenario.

The fire is dying once more. He leans down to retrieve the quilt that had slipped off sometime during their entanglement and draws it over them both, leaving the wounds exposed. He settles against James again, worrying his bottom lip. ]

You should rest.

[ James is not particularly observant by nature, but Igarak's reaction (and subsequent attempt at deflection) are obvious enough that even he can't miss them. He lets his head fall back against the hitherto unused pillow, gazing down at the exposed wounds. The simple truth that they keep dancing around is written plainly on his skin. Denying it seems pointless, especially in light of what has just transpired between them. ]

Igarak.

[ The exasperation in his tone is tempered with fondness. He supposes that he'd be worried if Igarak didn't seem at least a little conflicted about this, but he doesn't want the man to torture himself, either. Not when they both want the same thing. ]

Do you really want me to rest, or do you just want to stop talking about this? It isn't going to go away if we ignore it, you know.

[ James' blood is still smeared across his face, drying. Igarak feels it pull as he smiles ruefully. ]

Can't I want both?

[ His gaze then drifts to the wounds one last time. He tells himself he's not memorizing them, but he knows it's a lie; the image is already seared into his mind, ready to be recalled later.

He closes his eyes and lays a hand upon James' chest. Blue light glows beneath his palm and blankets the torn skin, slowly knitting the wounds closed. When he opens his eyes, the skin is smooth and unmarked. He smothers the pang of loss the image incites and forces himself to meet James's eyes. ]

I know you woke not long ago, but this was... It was a lot. Rest now. We can talk later.

𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚁𝙵𝙻𝙾𝚆

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